


Gaius and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

by Resacon1990



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Almost Crack, Everyone is hopelessly in love, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gaius and his great eyebrows, Gaius hates everyone, Gaius is a Love Doctor for a day, Gaius swears a few times, Humor, M/M, Morgana is back and on the good side because I said so, but somehow is the best advisor, five times he gives advice on love, five times he resists the urge to commit mass murder, he hates every second of it, his is peak stressed, i'm sorry in advance, no regrets, terrible sense of humor, this is an attempt to be funny, wouldn't you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 11:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15728253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Resacon1990/pseuds/Resacon1990
Summary: "Have you ever..." Lancelot pauses for a moment, clearly uncomfortable, "ever been in love?"Ohgods, Gaius thinks as he feels dread sit over him. First Merlin, now Lancelot. Who's next?Percival?Or, Gaius becomes a love specialist for a day and he hates every second of it.





	Gaius and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> My first Merlin fic ever! I wrote it all in one sitting so hopefully, it's not trash!
> 
> RIP Gaius, too be honest. Poor guy. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The first person is, of course, Merlin. 

Really, Gaius hadn't expected it at all. He'd just been minding his own business, cooking up a new batch of remedies and potions for all the local hypochondriacs and royal nitwits when it all happens in a great big hiss and a roar. 

Merlin comes stomping into the room while Gaius is mid-mixing one pungent potion and flops down on  _Gaius's_ bed in the middle of the room before letting out such a loud and long sigh that Gaius is sure if his potions required hot air in them, he could bottle up what's coming out of Merlin's mouth and be stocked for months. He peers up at the pan in front of him, Merlin’s reflection looking miserably put out, and Gaius scrunches up his nose before turning his attention back to his potion.

It's all quite dramatic, and Gaius knows immediately that his night has gone from "peaceful dinner with only mild complaining" to "absolute _nightmare_ ". 

Merlin doesn't say a word though, just lies there staring at the ceiling as Gaius pretends to be heavily involved in his potion while glancing at his charge out of the corner of his eye. It's a bit tedious, Gaius doesn't like strained silences like this, but he’s honestly never want to prod Merlin into starting his one of normal rants, let alone what is no doubt an abnormally _dramatic_ one. 

But as the moment stretches on Gaius realises that if he's to get out of this situation he's going to have to pull out a metaphorical stick and metaphorically poke the metaphorical bear if he wants to get whatever rant is coming his way over and _done_ with. 

One externally small but internally long-suffering and deep sigh later, Gaius pucks up the courage to speak. 

"Good evening, Merlin."

Nothing. No reply. Gaius feels all the more wearier now and he thinks he might be starting to break out into a nervous sweat as he waits. 

Then an eruption happens and Merlin is sitting bolt upright, waving his hands in the air and prattling and Gaius has to put down the large stirring spoon and the vials in his hands lest he decides to lob them at Merlin's head.   


"Good evening? _Good_ evening? Why do people say that, Gaius?” Merlin practically screeches where he’s sitting, and Gaius feels a vein pulse in his forehead. “Why try to imply someone's evening is _good_. What if it's _not_? What if someone's evening is absolutely terrible and you saying good evening to them makes it all the worse? Like how  _dare_  you insinuate that my god-awful evening is even slightly good? It just makes you sound like some arrogant jerk who thinks the world is run by sunshine and rainbows all coming out of your ass-"

“ _Merlin_ ,” Gaius interrupts loudly, and Merlin somehow immediately shuts up but looks at Gaius like he's burnt him. Gaius can feel his eyebrow starting to twitch, something that has definitely started happening more often since this boy turned up on his doorstep with the most impressive lack of self-preservation Gaius has ever seen. He has to resist the urge to reach up and smooth his eyebrow down to stop it from trying to find his receding hairline as he takes a couple of tenuous steps forward before throwing all caution to the wind and dropping down at the table adjacent to Merlin.   


"Now," he starts and he waves at the seat across from him, "how about you sit down and _calmly_  tell me what's got your knickers in a twist."

"I can assure you he has no effect on my knickers," Merlin huffs petulantly as he flops down dramatically and pillows his head on his arms on top of the table. "I wish I had some on _his_ though. Who'd have thought this destiny shit would've evolved into so much drama?"

Ah. Destiny. Gaius can work with that. "What's Arthur done this time?" he asks. Chances are Merlin could've seen the dragon again but the likelihood of Kilgarrah not only wearing underwear but also Merlin wanting to have an effect on them are pretty slim.   


"He's talking about trying to woo Gwen again," Merlin sighs, all fight draining out of him at those words. Gaius feels his top lip curl at the thought. Gwen is a nice girl, positively lovely, but Gaius thinks that all of this wooing rubbish is a bit old hat. _Especially_ when both parties don't seem to have an interest in each other at all romantically. Well, not at least for the last few years. Gaius isn’t particularly fond of gossip, but he’s positive that Arthur and Gwen must be scarred for life after that disaster of a picnic. 

"I thought Arthur wanted to marry for love?” he eventually asks, and Merlin lets out a huff of a laugh as he taps his fingertips on the tabletop morosely.

"He told me today that he believes the closest he'll get to love again is Gwen," Merlin mutters before he sits up straight and rubs his hands over his face. "He's being stupid, Gaius. He told me today that he doesn't think anyone could love him, not someone who's never seen him completely like I have. Those were his words. What kind of idiot could he be?"  


Gaius wants to ask the same question of Merlin, especially if that is word for word what Arthur said. He’s always known that Merlin was a little bit too blind to what was right in front of him, but this is _ridiculous_. He wonders how Arthur is doing. Probably actually considering going after Gwen. At least she's a lot more observant and much less oblivious than Merlin, bless him.   


"And you didn't think that maybe Arthur was hinting at something else?" Gaius prompts, wary of stepping over the mark and making it worse. He's a medical doctor, not a love doctor. Asking any question related to _feelings_ and _emotions_ genuinely feels like ripping his own teeth out, and really this conversation has given him a ridiculous headache.   


Merlin looks blank, blinking a couple of times at him before his eyes narrow and his fists clench. "You don't think he wants me to get involved, do you?" he asks. “Like, planning or organising or…” He trails off before sighing and shaking his head. “He did tell me after their picnic a while ago that he felt like himself around her. He  _could_  be hinting at that."  


Gaius's eye twitches and he has to fight everything in him that wants to drop kick Merlin from his rooms. He loves the boy, he has to remember that, despite his… everything.   


"Or maybe he wasn't meaning Gwen at all," Gaius says firmly as he points at Merlin blatantly. "Maybe he brought her up as an idea but was meaning someone _else_ entirely."  


Merlin frowns and looks down at his finger before shaking his head. "You don't think he's going to try woo one of the princesses again, do you? Princess Elena maybe?"  


Gaius purses his lips as his finger curls back into a fist. He feels for the dragon. He hopes one day they meet again just so Gaius can have someone as equally exasperated with Merlin as he.   


"Merlin, I think Arthur was trying to make you jealous," he says bluntly and Merlin looks shocked as his mouth drops open. Gaius holds a hand up though and railroads right over top of him before he can speak. "His words were very blatant. He might be testing the waters to see if you get jealous at the mention of someone else. Maybe a ploy just so he can see if there are feelings from your side. If it’s reciprocated.”  


Merlin looks completely speechless. Mouth wide open and eyes larger than Gaius has ever seen them. It's a site to behold and Gaius wishes he were a great and quick painter just to capture this moment of bliss.   


"But... I'm just a servant?"

Gaius bites back a groan as his eye twitches. ”And Gwen isn't?"

"But she has the right..." Merlin purses his lips and gestures vaguely to his crotch. “You know, the right  _bits_."

Gaius snorts a laugh, almost hurting his throat with the severity of his disbelief. "There are other ways for succession, Merlin. Surely you know that," he chides, but it does nothing to elevate Merlin's confusion as he continues to blink stupidly. 

"He can't, Gaius. He... Well, he just can't."

"And why not?" Gaius asks, leaning forward onto his elbows and lacing his fingers together. He raises one of his eyebrows, enjoying Merlin’s eyes tracking how high it goes. Hopefully, it gets across his incredulity. "Arthur might enjoy _men_ as much as women. It’s not uncommon, you know. It’s not even forbidden anymore.” He smiles as he leans back just a little. “Why, I know myself and Geoffrey-” 

Merlin's face goes unbelievably pale as he shakes his head frantically. "Nope," he squeaks. “Nope, please _stop_ right there."  


Gaius withholds a snigger. Him and Geoffrey had never done _anything_ but starting that rumour is completely worth it to see Merlin's face like this. "Well then," he says, "how about you stop wasting my time with all this frivolity and go see Arthur and tell him how you feel."  


Merlin shakes his head. ”But what if-”  


"If you don't then the two leech tank need cleaning and I need a restock on horse manure for Lady Flow’s face cleanser,” Gaius huffs as he crosses his arms, trying to make himself look serious and imposing when all he wants to do is cackle at Merlin's lost look. 

The hurry in which Merlin stands up though is enough to send his chair toppling backward and his haste to the door sends a couple of pieces of parchment flying. _Important_ parchment. Gaius purses his lips at the mess and glares at Merlin's back, not bothering to soften when Merlin turns back to glance at him with a worried look. 

“Gaius, this can't be-” 

" _Leeches_ , Merlin," Gaius insists, and he watches in satisfaction as Merlin swallows rather obviously before nodding and scuttling out the door. 

The moment it's closed Gaius drops his head to the table and groans loudly. 

"What the hell have I ever done to you," he mutters to whatever one of the Gods is listening. He doesn't get a reply, so he assumes they're all laughing at his misfortune. 

He throws a rather rude sign with his hand at the ceiling before straightening up and getting on with cleaning up the mess Merlin left behind. 

 

... 

  


He knows for a fact that Merlin doesn't talk to Arthur immediately. It could be because he still sees an awful kicked puppy dog look on Merlin's face as he continuously glances at Arthur twenty minutes after Merlin's departure.  

Sir Elyan had burst through the door, moments after Gaius had finally picked up the last damn scroll Merlin had thrown aside in his rush out the door, asking for Gaius to please come to the battlements where the king wishes to consult on him on the oncoming Mercia Army currently camped outside their gates. Something that Gaius had not been informed of and will very much take out on Merlin when they have a moment, especially when Elyan mentions that they’re about a few decisions away from _engaging in combat_.  


Gaius never rushes, but he does  _hasten_  to Arthur's side. 

He feels a bit nauseous up on the battlement, mostly because of the army staring up at them with all their torches and sharp weapons, but he decides that Merlin's pining isn't helping so he smacks the boy in the back of the head the moment he gets to the top of the watch tower.   


It makes him feel better _immediately_.   


Arthur is ranting on about something in the meantime, something about peace treaties falling through and vengeance of some sort. Something like that. Gaius believes he's doing a good job in following Sir Gwaine's lead of pretending to listen. They share a look of kinship, and Gaius is certain that if Gwaine had a tankard in his hand he'd be raising it in a toast.   


Sir Lancelot is paying careful attention though, and Gaius admires the incredibly dedicated knight. Gaius gets too distracted by his creaky bones and idiotic ward too often to really listen to Arthur, or even Uther when he was alive, so he appreciates that there is at least someone who's as intelligent as himself that pays attention to Arthur’s ramblings.   


He firmly believes that the word "intelligent" is too generous a term though once Arthur leaves the battlements prattling on about negotiations and Gaius is left with Lancelot on one side and Gwaine on the other. Gwaine is long gone in thought though, and considering he smells like The Rising Sun’s cellar Gaius is almost certain it’s alcohol induced. So it leaves only Lancelot to talk to, and frankly, he looks rather forlorn as he gazes down into the courtyard below them.   


Gaius would probably only need a couple of guesses to figure out who Lancelot is looking at. It's not like the knight has a rather long list of beloveds, and the look is rather similar to the one Merlin constantly sports when Arthur is around.   


Not wanting to be sucked into whatever Lancelot is feeling, Gaius walks to stand by Gwaine to watch Arthur and Merlin ride out of the gates with a small contingency of knights. Lancelot had volunteered to stay behind as Arthur's second, just in case anything happens, and frankly, Gwaine can't hold his tongue when sober so he has no chance of diplomacy meaning Arthur had instructed him to stay as well. It gives Gaius the best choice of company. Love struck fool or drunkard?  


"Reckon it'll work?" Gwaine asks, shaking Gaius from his thoughts as Gwaine inclines his head at the small group making their way towards the enemy camp. "I don't have the highest of faith in Arthur's abilities at the moment. Especially if Merlin is near him. Our King has too much of a one track mind."  


Gaius hums in acknowledgment, secretly pleased that at least one other person seems to have noticed the calamity that's Merlin and Arthur. "I'm willing to give them a chance," Gaius says, "after all at least Leon is there. He's got his head on straight."  


Gwaine snorts but doesn't argue, and he just claps Gaius on the shoulder before making his way down the battlement to converse with other soldiers. It leaves Gaius standing with the mopey and quiet Lancelot, and Gaius purses his lips as he hurries for an excuse to also leave.   


"I think that I might head off too, Lancelot, start prepping just in case-”  


"Gaius, you're a physician, correct?" Lancelot interrupts, looking away from the courtyard to pin Gaius with his stare.   


Gaius can do naught much else except hesitantly nod, worried and curious all at once.   


"That means we can come to you for advice, right? Any sort of advice?" Lancelot asks, sounding completely sincere and Gaius really hates how  _genuine_  this knight is.   


"Well, maybe not everything," Gaius replies, clasping his hands in front of him and looking at Lancelot with a very severe look. "After all, I'm absolutely rubbish with finances."  


The joke falls a bit flat, even if Gaius thinks he's hilarious, and Lancelot nods seriously before moving closer.   


"Have you ever..." Lancelot pauses for a moment, clearly uncomfortable, "ever been in love?"  


Oh  _gods_ , Gaius thinks as he feels dread sit over him. First Merlin, now Lancelot. Who's next? _Percival_?  


“Perhaps,” he ends up saying. He's not really willing to make assumptions, even if he's sure that he knows exactly who Lancelot wants to talk about, and bringing up Alice isn’t something he wants to do, neither is it relevant.   


Lancelot smiles at him and holds a pause for a bit longer as a clear invitation if Gaius wants to elaborate. Gaius doesn't though, no way, so he just holds Lancelot's gaze and slowly raises an eyebrow.   


Finally, the knight gets the hint and takes a deep breath before glancing back towards the courtyard. "Do you know much about unrequited love, Gaius?" he asks gently, and Gaius's eyebrow definitely twitches. "Because I can't... I don't know  _how_..."   


"This isn't about Guinevere, is it?" Gaius cuts off, practically demanding as Lancelot looks surprised. Not that he should. Gaius isn't an idiot after all.   


"I mean, yes, but-" Lancelot responds but Gaius puts up a hand immediately to stop him.   


"I never want to hear the words Guinevere, Lancelot, and unrequited in the same sentence. Ever again.  _Ever_ ," Gaius scolds, eyebrow twitching fiercely and his tolerance dropping more and more as he thinks of the  _stupidity_  of this moment. "I'm assuming you've not spoken to her about your love then?"  


Lancelot looks like Gaius has bloody bitten him or something, completely horrified at the prospect. "I couldn't," he insists, "not with Arthur."

"Arthur, who is so obsessed with his oblivious manservant that we need a whole bloody army to cleave through the tension between them," Gaius mutters, incredibly unimpressed. "Don't be stupid, Lancelot. It's not in your personality."   


Ah, yes, Gaius finds that he enjoys the dumbfounded look on Lancelot's face even if he feels like he's had to pull his own teeth out to get it there. 

"What do you mean?" Lancelot asks despairingly, and Gaius genuinely feels awkward at how much this young man wants love advice. He thinks he needs to encourage Merlin to talk to his friend about feelings and things more often because Gaius is  _seriously_  too old for this.   


"What I mean is that you should be down there in that courtyard giving her a good snogging and confess everything before Mercia comes barreling through that gate and ruins any chance you have."  


Lancelot stands with an open mouth, his eyes flicking between Gaius and the courtyard, and if Gaius was feeling particularly vindictive he'd be pushing Lancelot off the edge of that battlement into Guinevere's arms. Fortunately, he's feeling only mildly traumatized right now so a hike down the stairs will be good enough. 

"So," he snaps, gaining Lancelot's attention again, "what are you waiting for? Hurry off."

Lancelot looks hesitant for only a moment before a large grin shoots onto his face and he's stepping forward to clasp Gaius on the shoulder. 

"Thank you, Gaius," he says, the sincerity still making Gaius want to pull a face, before Lancelot squeezes Gaius’s shoulder once and turns to hurry down the stairs towards the courtyard. 

Gaius can't help but reach up to brush off the weird love germs that Lancelot no doubt left behind, and wonders just what he did to deserve this karma?

  


...

 

Gaius thought Percival might be next on this weird list of love-struck fools, and really he thought that if that were the case then he’d have plenty of time to wait since Percival is no doubt neck deep in Mercia knights. 

He doesn’t expect the next one to be bloody _Morgana_ of all people.

Gaius himself is neck deep in whining miserable knights, trying to patch up Sir Frain’s wounded arm as the knight refuses to sit _still_ and acknowledge that he may need to step the battle out. If Gaius hears one more complaint about him cleary not understanding warfare, he’s not only going to rip out all his hair but also cleave every knight in _two_.

Then, of course, Morgana comes along, still looking conserved and pale after finally coming back to them a few months ago. Gaius has spent too much time trying to convince her that they’re all fine with her reappearance, that they don’t blame her for the shifty things she did with Morgause. 

It’s still not working though and Gaius does not want to be under another one of her woeful tirades on trying to repent, and frankly, she looks like she’s in the mood for one as she glides between all the injured.

She’s, in fact, making her way towards him, and Gaius decides that Frain can just get his arm amputated later or something as he drops his bandages, gives Frain a sharp glare at his protest, and promptly holds up his gown and starts to scuttle away.

His old joints fail him though as he’s only a few steps from the exit and sweet freedom when a hand comes down on his shoulder and Morgana is calling his name.

Gaius twists his face up, eye twitching, but he tries to school his expression into one of platitude as he turns back to Morgana. From the look on her face, he thinks he probably looks more constipated than placating.

“Yes, my dear?” he asks through gritted teeth and tries not to roll his eyes when she doesn’t make eye contact and just looks at a spot over his shoulder. He deeply just wants to poke her cheek to see if she’ll respond to that at least, but holds still as he just waits for her to talk instead.

“How…” she starts to say, and a part of Gaius does miss the confidence she used to have as he watches her wring her hands. “How well equipped are Arthur and his knights? I worry that they won’t be prepared for the knights of Mercia?”

Gaius narrows his eyes at her as she continues to avoid his. “They are as ready as normal, my lady. So far the only injuries that have come in are superficial at most.”

She nods her head slowly, still looking nervous. Gaius frowns as he watches her eyes dart around the room, assessing all the knights, and it takes a moment for him to realise she’s _looking_ for someone.

“I’m sure Arthur will be fine,” Gaius insists after a moment. “He has Percival and Leon at his back as we speak.”

He doesn’t think he makes it up when he sees her start at Leon’s name, and her eyes flicker to his for just a brief moment that he realises yes, yes she is looking for someone and that someone is _Leon._ It seems she sees the realisation on his face as her eyes widen and her mouth drops open, and Gaius wonders if turning around right now and storming from the room is too rude?

“I don’t mean… I just…” Morgana tries to start, and Gaius really _really_ doesn’t want her to continue. Her hands drop to her skirts and twist in them nervously as she takes a deep breath before properly locking eyes with Gaius. “I worry about him.”

“Arthur?” Gaius tries uselessly, and Morgana’s eyes narrow enough that he swallows. He _really_ doesn’t want to talk about Morgana and Leon. He knows there’ve been attempts at courting, that Morgana has turned him down being all wrapped up in her self-deprecating. 

“Sir Leon,” she corrects him, and Gaius cringes. She doesn’t see it though as she sighs. “I mean, I feel horrible having let him go out without… well, without-” 

“Oh for heaven's sake,” Gaius interrupts, because _really_ , he does not have time for this. “Morgana, dear, I’m sure he’s fine. He’s one of the best knights in Camelot. In _Albion_. Not to mention Arthur wouldn’t let him fall even if Leon really _really_ tried.”

Morgana looks gobsmacked. “I never thought-”

“And if you feel this worried about him now then _maybe_ it would be an excellent idea to stop wandering around rejecting him,” Gaius continues despite her attempts to talk, on a roll and not ready to stop. “Morgana, if I may be frank, this whole self-deprecating business is getting tiring. I think it’s time to just get on with it and settle back in her.” He reaches out to cup her shoulder. “And get on with being with Leon. That’s what this is really all about, isn’t it?”

Morgana looks lost for only a moment before her hand comes up to cover his and she gives him a watery smile. Gaius nearly panics. He’s not equipped for love advice, and tears is a close second.

“Okay,” she says quietly. “You’re right. Of course, you’re right.” She surprises him by sliding forward and giving him a brief hug. He awkwardly pats her back, keenly aware of a bunch of new knights piling in through the door with Guinevere intercepting them, and when Morgana hears them she pulls back and wipes at her face.

Gaius clears his throat, and Morgana turns back to him. “If you wouldn’t mind collecting Guinevere and assisting me with caring for these knights, that would be much appreciated.”

Morgana’s smile is radiant, and she nods. “Anything for you, Gaius,” she replies happily before picking up her skirts and hurrying off towards the new knights, already calling out for Gwen.

Gaius, on the other hand, reaches out and rests a hand on a nearby pillar, letting out a huff of air. He glances down beside himself to see a knight watching him with wide eyes, and Gaius glares at him. 

“You don’t have any love problems too, do you?” he asks sulkily, not really wanting an answer.

But the knight immediately opens his mouth, and Gaius lets out a groan as he throws his hands up in the air before storming off.

 

…  


 

Of course, Gaius doesn’t get away from it all that quickly.  

The battle with Mercia ends with Mercia retreating back into the nearby forest. Arthur doesn’t push the battle and returns back with the Camelot ensign on display, Merlin at his side, Percival and Leon taking up the rear. Gaius stands with Morgana, Gwen, Lancelot, and Gwaine at the gates as they all come pass, and even though there’s large celebration’s already beginning Gaius gets Gwen’s help to divert the army towards their makeshift infirmary.

Arthur seems perfectly fine when Gaius gets his hands on him. Exhilarated and covered in gore, and Gaius pushes him towards Merlin with instructions to have a bloody bath and Gaius will come to check on him later. The king leaves with a valiant call to his knights, and he gets an answering roar that sets Gaius’s nerves on fire as he bellows over the racket for them to _shut up_.

Unfortunately, poor Leon cops his anger as he ties the bandages around his shoulder too tight and ends up palming him off to Morgana to get it retied. Morgana blushes furiously as he nudges her forward, and he gives Leon a meaningful look that probably just comes off as mildly seedy, but he doesn’t care as he makes his way to Percival.

Percival, who looks like a wild cat caged in a corner. Gwen happily moves away as Gaius approaches, and one raised eyebrow has Percival at least sitting _still_.

“Now,” Gaius mutters as he pushes and prods the knight’s arms and legs. “What’s wrong with you?”

“I’m fine,” Percival tries to convince him, even as he twitches at one of Gaius’s prods to his left thigh. Gauis’s eyebrow raises even higher as he pushes away the chainmail and spots a severely long and reasonably deep sword wound. He tuts away as he turns to find Gwen standing with a bowl of water right beside.

“Shouldn’t you be off somewhere _fraternizing_ ,” Gaius grumbles as he takes the water from her, and it satisfies him to see her turn a furious red before shuffling away. Gaius smiles to himself as he turns back to see Percival starting to stand up. “Sit _down_ , Percival!” he snaps, and Percival looks ridiculously guilty as he sits with a huff.

“Apologies,” he mumbles. Gaius just glares at him before pulling out one of the rags Gwen had supplied and starts to clean the wound. It’s not as bad as he thought it might be when the blood is cleaned away, although Gaius is up for an amputation if it stops the knight from bloody _wriggling_.

“Honestly,” he snaps, prodding the wound and making Percival yelp. “There is nothing that needs your attention right now! So hold _still_.”

Pervical bats his probing finger away, looking miffed. “Would you happen to know where Sir Gwaine is?” he asks, and Gaius freezes mid dab because _no_.

He looks up and yes, Percival has that same look Morgana had earlier and he is _not equipped for this_.

“Why?” he asks automatically though and immediately hates himself for doing so as Percival looks at him with wide eyes. Gaius quickly looks away and hurries up with cleaning the wound. He does not want to be exposed to another matter of… _love_.

“I…” Percival starts to say before clearing his throat. “I haven’t seen him is all. I was hoping he was okay.”

“Of course he’s okay,” Gaius mutters. “The only risk he ran was slipping and drowning in the Rising Sun’s cellar.”

He’s not surprised when Percival’s hand comes down hard on his shoulder, and really the amount of people touching him today is getting _ridiculous_ , and when he glances up it’s to see Percival glaring at him. Normally that might intimidate him, but today Gaius is tired and angry and truly over whatever conspiracy is out there making him deal with all these love struck fools.

He briefly wonders if someone’s dropped a love potion in the waters, but when he looks at his bowl of water there’s no telltale shimmer. No. It just must be some God damning him.

“Lay off, Gaius,” Percival snaps at him. “Gwaine is a knight of the round table. He deserves your respect, not your bitterness.”

Gaius snorts. “Not bitter,” he says. “More envy at the moment.” He shakes his head as he reaches into his pouch at his waist and pulls out a bandage and some ointment. Thankfully the wound doesn’t need stitches. “But sure, I’ll… ‘lay off’.”

Percival still doesn’t seem happy, and that’s not part of Gaius’s job to worry about at the moment, and thankfully there’s silence as he binds up Percival’s leg easily. He finishes quickly and goes to stand, already letting out his usual tirade of cleaning and tending instructions for his wound, but he’s stopped by Percival grabbing his wrist.

“Has he really been drinking again?” Percival asks him, and Gaius has to resist the urge to shake his hand off and bolt because here it _comes_. “That badly, Gaius?”

“Bad enough,” he answers truthfully. He does admit it’s been a while since Gwaine has wandered around smelling like a tavern, especially when he’s on duty. Gaius didn’t really want to get into it though. Gwaine’s always been a bit of a private man, even though it seems the opposite with his casual conversations. Those in specific make Gaius turn his nose up.

Percival looks miserable at his answer though, and even though Gaius wants to _sprint_ across the room, rush out the door, and high tail it all the way to Ealdor to hide in Hunith’s house where he won’t be badgered by these idiots, he doesn’t. Instead, he pats Percival’s hand still on his wrist.

“Trouble?” he asks, and Percival nods morosely before letting go of Gaius’s hand and hangs his head.

“I… we had a fight earlier this week. He stormed out and I haven’t seen him since.” Percival’s hands tighten into fists. “I said some things I shouldn’t have.” 

“Like…?” Gaius prompts. He hates himself for it.

“Like I told him I didn’t care for him,” Percival confesses in a rush as he glances up at Gaius with huge wide eyes. “That I found him to be repulsive when he drinks too much, that I don’t feel… That I feel like he doesn’t really want me around as he starts to womanize and flirt his way around the tavern every damn _time_.”

This is more than Gaius wants to deal with, and he admittedly glances around for some help. The two girls though are wrapped up in their signicfant others, and Gaius isn’t touching those again. Awkwardly, he reaches out and pats Percival’s head gently.

“There there,” he says. “It cannot be that bad. Just, maybe apologise to him?”

“I tried!” Percival claims, and Gaius sucks his lips in as he pulls his hand away quickly. Percival looks incredibly upset and Gaius is quickly losing control of the situation. He doesn’t want this branching into _more_ love advice, lest he gets a reputation.

“Try again?” he offers as Percival looks helpless. “Especially after a battle on this scale. I assume he’ll be just as worried about you.” That’s a bald faced lie. Gaius doesn’t know shit when it comes to all these knights and all their feelings. Gwaine doesn’t seem heartless though and the two _are_ inseparable most of the time. Maybe this will be a decent bluff.

It seems so as Percival straightens and gives Gaius a tiny smile. “He was worried?” he asks, and Gaius has to pick whether he continues the lie or hits Percival with the truth.

He’s too old for this.

“Sure,” he lies, because really besides being drunk he hadn’t observed much from Gwaine. He blames it on Lancelot. Being near that dark cloud was rather distracting.

It’s the right thing to say though as Percival suddenly launches to his feet and claps both his hands on both of Gaius’s shoulders. He gives him a shake that rattles Gaius’s old bones, and he resists the urge to jab Percival rather harshly in the stomach to make him let go.

“Thank you, Gaius,” Percival cheers, and Gaius just gives him a grim smile as he pats one of the knight’s hands. “I will go find him now.”

“No need,” comes a new voice, and when Gaius glances over it’s to see Gwaine standing beside them looking absolutely _wrecked_. He steps forward into the space that Gaius quickly evacuates. “I was so worried about you, Percy.”

Gaius nearly high fives himself for the great bluff, but keeps his stern face on as Percival grins at Gwaine and sweeps him into a hug. He takes a few steps backward, trying to be subtle in case he’s not actually been dismissed from the conversation. Percival and Gwaine seem too wrapped up in each other though, and Gaius quickly turns around and hurries away.

He almost bumps into Geoffrey as he goes, surprised to see the man working alongside everyone else in cleaning up the battle worn knights. Geoffrey gives him a bright smile that slips off when Gaius merely raises an eyebrow and tries not to give any positive vibes to encourage conversation.

“Rough day?” Geoffrey asks him, and it’s almost sarcastic to Gaius’s ears. Gaius narrows his eyes as he pushes past the man, forcing him to tip the bowl of water in his lap all over himself. It’s deeply satisfying.

“Fuck off, Geoffrey,” he mutters as he shuffles past, and he’s not surprised when the scholar simply laughs at him.

 

…

 

Really, now that it’s well and truly past supper and heading into the later evening, Gaius thought he’d be over his terrible, no good day. There’s no one else around. Most of the knights that need an overnight stay are tucked up, the majority of the people he’s dealt with today are off doing whatever young couples do or attending to their duties. 

He’s even sent Merlin off to do a quick round of the infirmary for him as Gaius bustles off to check on their king personally. He actually just mainly wants Merlin out of the way so he doesn’t have to sit in a room that’s full of tension because Gaius is too _old_ for this shit.

So thankfully he’s alone with Arthur as he bustles in to see the king sitting in bed all tucked up nice and warm. He gives Gaius a friendly smile but thankfully doesn’t press for small talk as Gaius goes through the motions of checking him for injuries.

Luckily their king has gotten by with only a handful of scrapes and bruises, something that Gaius thinks might have been helped along by Percival and Leon _literally_ getting in the way of the blows meant for the king. He mutters that under his breath and is rewarded with Arthur’s ear tips turning red.

As he said though, Arthur seems absolutely fine and he packs up his bags quickly while thinking only of his soft bed and a good nights sleep to get away from all these hormonally charged people.

He doesn’t make it though, and he didn’t think the _king_ of all people would tackle him, but tackle him Arthur does and as his king calls out his name Gaius takes a deep steadying breath before turning to face him.

“Yes, your majesty?” he asks through clenched teeth. He’s trying to look inviting, but by the look on Arthur’s face, he’s only succeeding in looking like he’s in extreme pain. He quickly changes his expression to something more… neutral.

“I have a question,” Arthur finally says after a hesitant moment. “It’s of a rather… personal nature.”

“I’m all ears,” Gaius mutters, and when Arthur raises an eyebrow he just raises one right back. No one can top his incredulous look, not even the king who glances away at the sign of being defeated.

“Right, yes, well,” Arthur starts before clearing his throat and smoothing the blankets over his knees. Gaius’s eyes narrow as time ticks by and the thought of a good nights sleep ticks away with it. “So,” Arthur continues after a moment. “It’s about marriage.”

“Of course,” Gaius says through very tightly gritted teeth. Of course, it is. Of course, the king is just like all the others. Gaius thinks that maybe an early retirement is on the cards.

“Only, it’s just…” Arthur trails off again and Gaius’s eye twitch. Arthur must notice it as he straights his back quickly and folds his hands together. “I’ve been thinking about marriage recently, Gaius. I need to show the neighbouring kingdoms that I have a strong queen-”

“Or king,” Gaius mumbles, low enough Arthur won’t hear.

“-beside me. I’ve looked through the lists of all the neighbouring princesses and unfortunately, I seem to have met them all.” He waves a hand in the air as he scrunches up his nose. “Of course Morgana is off the cards as we are _related_. I thought maybe I should approach Guinevere once again-”

“Or just marry Merlin,” Gaius interrupts, and really their king makes a fabulous impression of a fish. Wide eyed and opened mouth. Gaius could drop him in Avalon lake and he’s fit right in.

“I can’t… you don’t… _Gaius_!”

Gaius is officially over today. Well and truly. He is _not_ here for any of this skirting around and hinting business. No thank you. He’d much rather just go for the throat and be done with it.

“If I may speak freely, sire,” he continues, not waiting for permission at all as Arthur continues to gape at him. “My ward has the same amount of braincells as a frightened horse. Bluntness is the only way to get through to him, and even then no matter how blunt you are he _still_ might get the wrong idea.” He waves a hand at Arthur. “After all, he had no idea that perhaps this morning when you had a similar conversation with him that you were possibly trying to get a reaction out of him to see what his feelings are.”

“I did not-”

“But, your grace, Merlin is very much in love with you to a _painful_ degree,” Gaius plows on. Damn the consequences, he doesn’t care. “And if I am not mistaken then you are also in love with him. It would be so much easier if you would just _admit_ it to each other already. I’m sure the neighbouring kingdoms won’t give a damn if it’s a man or a woman sitting beside you, but they will _all_ be extremely happy that the tension between you two has finally been addressed.” He gives Arthur a stern look. “I think the last time I spoke to King Grimor he was ready to propose to Merlin on your _behalf_.”

He stops his speech when he sees that Arthur is looking particularly wound up with a red face fit to burst. Gaius wonders if he’s gone a bit too far and crossed a line, but thankfully he’s saved from knowing that as the doors crash open and dear hopeless Merlin comes tumbling through them.

“Everything alright?” he asks as he clambers his way across the room looking for all the world as graceful as a newborn foal. Gaius isn’t blind and spots Arthur’s angered face seep into something a lot fonder, and when he smirks at Arthur he isn’t surprised at the blush and glare he gets in return.

“Just peachy,” Gaius says to Merlin as he claps him on the shoulder. “I do believe that Arthur has some things he’d like to speak to you about.” He glares over his shoulder at their king. “Some things that he’d like to be _blunt_ about.”

“Thank you, Gaius!” Arthur calls out, his voice sounding slightly strained. “That’ll be all!”

Gaius snorts but still remembers some of his manners as he gives the king a brief bow before unceremoniously shoving Merlin further towards Arthur’s side. Arthur does, in fact, look uncertain where he sits, but Gaius has a large amount of faith that this will be sorted out pronto.

Either that, or he’s just made all the tension worse.

Gaius quickly shuffles out the door with his bags clanging behind him, and he does take a moment to peek through the crack of the closing doors to see Arthur awkwardly reaching out for Merlin’s hand as Merlin takes a seat on the side of the bed. They both look ridiculously smitten, and Gaius knows he’s a miserable old man as he turns his nose up.

But, then again it’s so painfully sweet that Gaius thinks one of his perfectly maintain teeth might just _rot_ out at the sight. He closes the doors with a quiet click, and as he turns away he sees Elyan standing there watching him with a raised eyebrow.

“Is the king alright?” he asks, and Gaius lets out a deep sigh of relief at the _normal_ question.

“He’s fine,” he tells Elyan truthfully. “Although he might be a bit occupied if he knows what’s good for him.”

Elan gives him a cocky grin. “Merlin in there with him?” he asks, and Gaius nods. “I don’t know what’s going around at the moment, but everyone seems to be pairing off. Must be something in the air.”

Gaius narrows his eyes at Elyan as he stalks a bit closer. “You’re not feeling that way inclined, are you?” he asks cautiously, and Elyan laughs as he shakes his head.

“I don’t think so,” he cheerfully declares as he hooks his thumbs on his belt. “I’m single and proud of it.”

Now _that_ cheers Gaius up immensely, and he reaches out with a huge grin to clap Elyan on the back and turn him to face down the corridor. “Good,” Gaius declares as he starts to push the knight down the hallway. “I could use some decent company right now.”

“Yeah?” Elyans says, looking reasonably confused. He doesn’t halt in his tracks though as he follows along beside Gaius and Gaius grins at him. “Tough day?”

“Absolutely.” He pats Elyan a few times on the back through his chainmail as he lets out a low whistle. “You’re buying the first round, sir knight.”

He ignores Elyan’s protests, poking at his coin pouch hanging off his belt a few times when Elyan mutters about money, but by the time they reach the bottom of the stairs into the courtyard Elyan has caved, and Gaius slings an arm around his new friend’s shoulders and promptly halls him off to the Rising Sun.

Good god, he could use a drink.

 

…


End file.
